I haven’t been posting and I said before that I wasn’t being truly authentic, but the total truth is that I feel like a fraud because I’m not currently living a healthy life, so I can’t really call myself a healthy living blogger. My sporadic absences of ever increasing time frames have lead to a total loss of readership, so I actually feel safe putting everything out there right now because I honestly don’t think anyone is going to even read this post.
I’m not even sure where to begin… I just can’t keep pretending that I am living a healthy lifestyle when I’m not. Honestly, all that I am doing right now is surviving and hanging on by my fingernails as I struggle through each day.
Seriously, how can I pretend to be living a healthy lifestyle when the current contents of my refrigerator are 4 juice boxes, a partial bag of shredded cheese and some condiments? When the days that there’s pizza or chips or baked treats at work are the best because it means I can actually eat something other than top ramen or pasta because I can’t afford to buy groceries? I’m certainly not eating healthy and haven’t been for several months now.
And how can I pretend to be living a healthy lifestyle when even the walk between work and the bus is a challenge? It’s 9 blocks! Three-quarters of a mile! And I struggle with it some days! My joints ache and I never feel like I have enough energy from not fueling well and from stress.
How can I pretend to be living a healthy lifestyle when I am too tired to clean my house and there are bags of trash waiting to be taken out, dirty dishes cluttering the kitchen and piles of dirty clothes everywhere. Yet no matter how I try to devote time to cleaning, I end up sleeping instead because I am just so tired all the time.
My depression is stable, that is one plus, but my anxiety levels are through the roof. I freak out when riding the bus almost every day, sure that we are going to crash. I have ridden the bus exclusively since moving to Washington and have never had any issues on the bus, so my only explanation is the stress in other areas of my life is manifesting itself as anxiety while I’m on the bus. And how is this healthy?
And where is the stress coming from? Money, for the most part, and my complete inability to budget and manage my own money. Quite frankly this is completely ridiculous because I am highly intelligent, very good at math, love lists and charts and can manage money for work and other organizations I’ve been involved with no problem. But my own money? I dig myself into such deep holes that I am never able to dig back out of them again and I bury my head in the sand to keep from facing them. I make the absolute worst decisions about money and find myself in trouble again and again. I really am trying to do better, but I can never seem to keep my head above water lately. Right now I’m $100 short on rent (which is due in 3 days and has to be paid on time to keep me from being evicted as I have already been given multiple extensions and consideration and was even served eviction papers last month, but managed to scrounge up enough money to cover it and have the process stopped) and, as I previously stated above, I have no food in the house. And I have no idea where I’m going to come up with this money as I have already sold everything of value that I own (I need my computer for work) and payday loans are part of the reason I’m in the mess I’m currently in. I need to move somewhere cheaper, but I need money for a deposit and moving expenses. I honestly feel like I am spinning out of control when it comes to money right now.
There’s also my job. There are a lot of things happening at work right now that have me worried even though management has assured me that out jobs are secure. A lot of what is happening is reminiscent to things that happened when I was laid off several years ago. Maybe I’m wrong and it’s just my anxiety making me worry, but I am concerned. I know the company is strong, I just feel like they are going to make a big change with my department soon and I don’t know what it will mean.
I know several of you (if in fact anyone is reading this) are probably thinking “Why doesn’t she apply for public assistance?” I have, I don’t qualify. I’ve also looked into roommate situations, but no one is willing to take both cats (or they’re charging as much for a room as some places are charging for an entire apartment). And no, I am not giving up my cats because they are my family and currently all I have in Washington as I rarely see the few friends I do have here.
I am working on changing things, but digging out of the financial situation I am currently in will take a while, and that is the primary stumbling block for everything else. Whether we like to admit it or not, money is necessary to function in this world and without it you end up struggling to survive.
OK, so this was a giant purge and I honestly don’t know if I feel better or worse for having written all of this out. And now I have to decide if I’m going to hit publish and let the world (or anyone who still happens to be reading this blog) know what is really, honestly, going on in my life right now. If I do hit publish and someone does happen to read this, please refrain from negative comments or criticism. Trust me, I beat myself up over this and call myself every negative term you can think of every single minute of every single day.