My Life… Without Words

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Thinking Out Loud~ 7/24/14

I definitely have a lot on my mind, so it’s time to do some Thinking Out Loud… I will be linking up with Amanda again this week, so please stop by and check out her blog and the others who are Thinking Out Loud this week…

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I have been completely overwhelmed by my life lately and I think it’s simply because everything has gotten completely out of whack. And I’m trying to fix everything at one time and that isn’t working, so I need to take a step back and focus on one thing at a time until I get everything back where it needs to be. That means my focus is going to shift for a little while until I am able to embrace everything again.

My first priority right now is my mental health, and that means providing and environment where I feel safe, nurtured, creative and inspired. Right now my apartment does not fit that bill at all. I don’t think of it as home, it’s just an apartment. I don’t know if that is part of the reason that I let things get so completely messy or if the feelings stem because of the perpetual messiness, but I need to make a major change here!

My focus for the next few weeks is going to be making my apartment more conducive to what I need. That means a thorough cleaning and de-junking. I have asked for some help in hauling a bunch of boxes and stuff away, but if anyone else local wants to chip in, all help would be appreciated. I also have a ton of old romance books (Harlequin Presents mostly) that I’ve been holding onto for years and will be donating. If anyone is interested in any of them, or has some suggestions for somewhere local to donate, please let me know. I do have a couple of donation places already in mind, but there are a lot of books.

I am hoping that once the apartment is livable again, I will be able to focus more on the other areas of my life that need work. For one thing it’s really hard to workout when there is crap stuff all over the living room. And it’s harder to eat healthy when an already small kitchen is cluttered with bags of recycling. And I’m also hoping that it will begin to feel more like a home, but I’m not sure that part is possible here.

There are a lot of aspects about where I live now that contribute to the lack of a homey feel that are not just inside my living space. They include the neighbors and the building itself as well. To be honest, I just don’t feel comfortable here, even after living here for a year and a half. I think that I’ve mentioned that I’ve thought about looking for a place downtown closer to my job when my lease is up, and that is definitely still a consideration. But with my current mental state (and I’m not in a bad mental state right now), I am considering something else as well. I am thinking about looking for a job in Eugene or Roseburg and moving to Oregon next year.

It’s been really hard on me being away from my family, especially lately. When my brother was still living in Washington it wasn’t as bad because there were only about 2 hours between us, and I was able to see him every few months. Until this current stint, the longest I had gone without seeing him was 5 months, now it’s been over a year. And I think I’ve mentioned it’s been close to 2 years since I’ve seen my parents. My family is very close and they are my rock and I think I really need to be closer to them. Yes, my parents are much closer now than they were when they lived in San Diego, but there are still about 9-ish hours between us (by bus & train, I don’t currently own a car), so visits will still be infrequent.

This isn’t something that I’ve decided completely yet, just something that I’ve started thinking about over the last week or so. I haven’t even done any research on the issue yet, which if you know me well, you know I will research the heck out of it before I take any action. But I do need to do something to make me feel more grounded and secure, so that is my current mission. I think everything else will fall into place from there.

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Monday Accountability~ 7/21/14

Over the last two weeks I pretty much lost my mind. Thankfully I have it back now, but the damage has been done and it’s time to get back on track. I know that I struggle with anxiety and depression, but I didn’t really expect everything to hit me so hard. I honestly think that the extra hormones from my TOM hitting at the same time really exacerbated things, but that’s not an excuse. The truth is I got overwhelmed and just let everything go and I need to find ways to keep that from happening.

I turned to junk food and processed foods again as comfort, and you know what? I felt horrible! Even after just a week of eating clean, going back to my old ways made me feel like crap. I didn’t realize it at first because of the depression, but once I started thinking logically again over the last few days, I realized that a lot of the physical I was feeling was from the food, not the feelings. I also gained back what I lost the first week (and a few more pounds). Thankfully since I’ve been back to drinking more water again, the few more pounds are gone, but I am still right back where I was when I started.

So this week the plan is to start tracking again, get out of my apartment more, move more and get my momentum going in the right direction. There shouldn’t be any triggering events coming up that I’m aware of until we hit the holiday season, so I should be able to make some really good progress before I’m faced with another battle. And hopefully I’ll be better prepared for the next one so the damage will be minimal.

I’m not posting a weigh-in today, because it’s exactly as I said and the same weight I started with when I joined WW. Next week I hope to have some progress to show!

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Weekly Photo Post…

Before sharing this week’s pictures, it looks like I need a new title for this feature since there is a new link up using the “Life in Pictures” name and I don’t want any confusion (or to be accused of being a copy-cat, since I try very hard not to be). I switched to the Life in Pictures name about a year or so ago when I stopped using photos just from my walks and started using random photos from my week. Since I started my 43/43 photo a day project (and selfie a day project as well), I really want to keep this feature going so I can share my photos each week. Yes, I still share photos on Instagram, but I only share photos shot with my actual camera here on the blog (and only photos shot on my phone on Instagram… I’m weird that way). I would love any suggestions you all might have for a new title… so far I’ve come up with “My Week Without Words” or “Photo Project.”

In the meantime, enjoy this week’s photos!

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Celebrations Volume III

I won’t lie, I was very hard pressed to come up with things to celebrate this week, it was definitely a struggle.

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July 12th~ I honestly have no idea what I celebrated this day… unless it was food. I did a lot of “eat all the food” over the weekend.

July 13th~ Today’s celebration was for summer. It is incredibly beautiful out right now, but also incredibly HOT, at least when you don’t have air conditioning!

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July 14th~ I did a lot of future planning and work on my 43/43 list this day, so I guess you could say I was celebrating the future.

July 15th~ This was my birthday, so my celebration there was pretty obvious. I didn’t do much to celebrate the day, but I did have some cupcakes and cocktails.

July 16th~ We have a monthly team meeting at work and this was today, so I celebrated teamwork!

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July 17th~ I did nothing on July 17th, no cleaning, so work, just nothing more than what I felt like doing at the moment, so I celebrated the fine art of doing nothing… and it was amazing!

July 18th~ Today I’m celebrating my independence. It was really brought home to me this week that I am completely on my own now, so I have to be strong enough to take care of myself in all situations.

What are you celebrating?

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Thinking Out Loud 7/17/14

Do you ever have those days where you literally don’t want to do anything? Days where you would happily sit and stare into space for hours at a time? That is totally me today! I was exhausted last night and went to bed at 7:30, though I slept only intermittently until about 11:00 when I conked out. I woke up about 5:30 this morning to feed the kitties, but then laid back down and just hung out in bed until about 9. It’s after 11 now and I’m still in my pajamas and I have accomplished exactly nothing.

Since it’s Thursday, I wanted to join up with Amanda and share my thoughts… though to be honest, even this sounds like a lot of work today!

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I have a lot to do, so I feel like I should get over myself and get some work done around the house. But on the other hand, I have been focused on work every day and haven’t taken a veg out day in a really long time. And while taking a day off isn’t necessarily going to help me reach my goals, allowing my body to relax and recover could help me to come back stronger tomorrow right?

Part of the problem is that I really need to do laundry, and I hate laundry! Plus I don’t have enough money on my laundry card to do all of it today, so I will have to do some of it later anyway. But I don’t have enough clothes to see me through until Monday which is the next day I could do laundry. There’s a very big part of me that wants to just go buy enough clothes to get me through, but even that seems like too much effort right now.

I’ve had a very emotional week, starting last week with my parent’s move and continuing on through my birthday this past Tuesday. I have run the gamut from anxiety through depression through massive loneliness. I’m feeling pretty solid emotionally today for the most part, just still tired and not wanting to focus on anything. The only thing that I’ve wanted all week is my daddy (and mommy), but alas, I am a grown up and just have to deal with the fact that I am completely on my own.

I think what I really need to do is have some fun. I need to plan something into my weekend. Maybe a movie or a museum day. I do have a free burger at Red Robin still for my birthday as well. I am off on Saturday and usually get off around 3 on Sunday so I’ll have to think about that.

Is what I’m feeling today all symptoms of my depression? Possibly, probably, but I am not feeling down and dejected today, just tired and in need of rest. Plus I have a migraine, so that is a pretty big contributor to my lack of desire to accomplish anything as well. Which is something else right there, since my hormones are all over the freaking place now! And don’t get me started on the heat, especially when combined with hot flashes. The best part is I probably have about 5 or 6 more years of this ( maybe a few more) before I’m done. Yay for perimenopause! And for starting it early in life (I’ve been dealing with it for a few years now and I just turned 43).

So now the question is, do I just bite the bullet and get some laundry done? Or head to Target a pick up a few things to get me through? Or just leave it for tomorrow, since I have enough underwear to get me through one more day?

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Looking Forward to the Year Ahead

I’m getting this post set up a day early because I really don’t know what is happening yet. So while you are reading this I will either be surrounded by friends and family celebrating my bay somewhere in Seattle or I will be hanging out with the cats cleaning the apartment and doing laundry. I strongly suspect it’s the latter, but I’m keeping my options open.

July 2

My head has not been in a good place for the past week, but I was able to put together a list of things that I want to accomplish over the next year. Some of the items are repeats from last year’s list that I really want to do and just haven’t been able to get to them yet (like visit the Woodland Park Zoo). Most of the items are new this year. I have things relating to the blog (like creating a newsletter), fitness (being able to do a pull-up), finance (saving $43 each month) and personal fulfillment (decorate for Christmas).

In total, there are 43 items on the list. Several of the items require me to do 43 things in those categories (do 43 different workouts, eat at 43 different restaurants), while the others are just one-offs (go to a parade). The complete list can be found here.

I want to do better this year. I have created the separate 43/43 page {linked above} to track everything on and hope to do monthly updates throughout the year. I want to have adventures in my life and to change the way I live. I don’t want to remain trapped in my current situation. I want to live.

And now I am going to go stick a candle in a cupcake and make a wish for an amazing year ahead. When my 44th birthday rolls around next year, I want to be able to say I successfully completed everything on my list.

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Life in Pictures 7/13/14

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Whatever Happened to 42 While 42?

Last year to celebrate my 42nd birthday, I created a list of 42 things that I wanted to do in the year ahead. I had a lot of grand plans and really thought that I would accomplish most of the items. Sadly I fell quite a bit short of the mark with the list, but I did complete some pretty awesome things…

4. Attend a blog conference.

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I attended the Healthy Living Summit in Minneapolis last September and met my best blogging friends and some truly amazing women. I also started taking the steps to grow my blog.

11. Go to the Seattle Aquarium.

I went and I loved it! I forgot my camera, so I wasn’t able to blog and post pictures about it, but since I fully intend to go back again, I’ll make sure I get am aquarium post up this year!

13. Go on a Christmas Dinner Cruise.

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You can read all about it here.

16. Attend the ballet.

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I attended the PNB’s production of The Nutcracker in December. All of the details are here.

26. Eat at the Melting Pot.

This was the very first item marked off my list last year. My friend Monique and I went to celebrate our birthdays. It was all I had ever imagined it to be and more!

While those are the only items I completed on my long list of 42 things, I did thoroughly enjoy all of the things I did! I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do something like this again for my 43rd birthday, since I didn’t have a lot of success with this one. But I decided to change it up a bit and am putting something together. And I fully intend to complete more than 5 items this year!

 

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Celebrations Vol II

Happy Friday!!! I had such a great time celebrating last week that I am back to do it again! Here’s how I celebrated this week…

July 5th~ Because I ended up having kind of a rough time on Friday, I spent Saturday celebrating my health, both mental and physical. I got in a great strength workout, ate some delicious healthy food, created a new chili recipe and spent some time in reflection. I also took a really nice nap!

July 6th~ I celebrated friendships today and stopped by to see some of my old coworkers!

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July 7th~ My cats are a big part of my family too (obviously), so today I spent snuggling and cuddling with my two favorite felines, the Fit Kitties, aka Disney and Cheshire!

July 8th~ This day I celebrated my family! It was my dad’s birthday and my parents were packing up to move to their new home in Oregon. My brother flew down to San Diego to drive the moving truck up for them, so they all got to be together for a couple of days and are now going to be living super close to each other again!

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July 9th~ I won’t lie, and you know if you read my post yesterday, but Wednesday was a very rough day for me with my anxiety pitched to a very high level. I also had a pretty tough day at work as well… the good news is I did find something to celebrate though! Yes, I stopped to buy all the junk food I could carry, I didn’t eat it! I was able to have the food in the house, be in an incredibly emotional state and NOT eat all the food.

July 10th~ Thursday was all about relaxation for me. My parents arrived at their new home around 8:30 am, and I was no longer stressed about them driving, so I was able to finally chill out a little (of course, with the lack of air flow in my apartment, I wish I could mean this literally as well, but sadly no… it’s freaking HOT!). I had a few things to take care of during the day, but then I was able to catch up on my sleep and celebrate the art of the nap!

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July 11th~ And that brings us to today. I’ve got a big meeting at work that I’m nervous about, but I am going in with lots of positivity. So today I decided that I am going to celebrate my job.

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